Self-Kindness

What If There’s Huge Value in Not Reaching Our Goals?

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Two of my clients didn’t reach goals around their health this year. Another didn’t reach his financial goals. I had high hopes for getting my two-year-old cat, Miles, healthy by the end of the year. We aren’t there yet. This may sound strange coming from a coach who makes her living helping clients reach their goals.

So, here’s the thing: When we don’t reach the goals our human ego sets, we have the opportunity to create a deeper, more intimate relationship with ourselves. We become a new person on the way to achieving the human goals. And, we get further in those human areas than if we hadn’t set the goals.

The two clients who have goals around their health are becoming far more self-compassionate, self-loving and their own best friends.

The client with financial goals is learning to give himself credit for being in the process. He’s also learning about his inner security as he works on his outer security.

What If There’s Huge Value in Not Reaching Our Goals?

As for me and Miles, I’ve gotten to experience his unconditional affection, no matter how he feels. I’m learning patience and accepting what is. I’m learning that me being nervous and frustrated affects both of us poorly.

For all of us, we have the opportunity to set new goals, perhaps with a bit more wisdom about ourselves.

So what about you? Are there goals you didn’t reach this year? If so, how might you find the huge value for you?

As always, I’d love your thoughts and comments below.

Happy Solstice!

Who Is Our Best Self When We Make Mistakes?

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This is a question I asked myself after I’d sent an email to a new client with a typo in her email address. Needless to say, she didn’t receive it. And, I didn’t realize that for several days.

Here’s the answer that came to me when I asked myself, “What does my best self look like when I make a mistake?”

She apologizes. And, quickly and fully admits she messed up. She fixes whatever she can. She asks the other person what they need for it to be cleaned up. If it fits for her, she does whatever the person requested or offers what does fit for her.

She loves herself throughout. She doesn’t criticize, demean or shame herself. She good-heartedly acknowledges her humanness.

Who Is Our Best Self When We Make Mistakes?

Ah, to be as shimmery as this begonia flower, even as I am correcting a mistake.

She lets it go. With lightness and humility, she moves on . . .

What does your best self say? I’d love your thoughts and comments below.

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming stress and overwhelm into clarity and purpose”)

What Are the Many Triggers of Grief?

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Grief arises from any event or new condition that shatters
the foundation you previously knew as your reality.
– goldenwillowretreat.com

Very few of us embrace grief as part of living. We tend to reserve the idea of grieving for something we do after someone has died. And we don’t want to do that for very long or talk about it much at all.

We do ourselves a huge disservice by keeping grief in the shadows.

When we recognize the loss in the death of a loved one, a diminished savings account, grown children moving to another state or a health diagnosis, we give ourselves the opportunity to feel what we’re feeling and allow a new identity to emerge.

What losses have you experienced that demanded a new you?

What Are the Many Triggers of Grief?

Most of us tend to not want a new identity. Yet our former identity is no longer available.

If we don’t take the conscious journey of grieving, we tend to numb ourselves, sometimes to the point of barely living.

If we do take the conscious journey of grieving, we give ourselves the opportunity to embrace more of who we truly are and perhaps even serve others in a whole new way.

Ironically, consciously grieving gifts us with more authentic, joyful living.

If you’ve read this far, I would love you to share something in the comments. Let’s move grief out of the shadows . . .

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming stress and overwhelm into clarity and purpose”)

What If We Didn’t Fight Ourselves?

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After studying A Course of Love for 10 months, I finished reading it a couple of months ago. At the end of the book, it instructed me to begin again – read it a second time!

Since then, I had resisted rereading. After all, it is not light summer vacation reading.

Then, a couple of weeks ago in my study group, I was guided to re-read several specific chapters. In the past two weeks, I have repeatedly read and re-read seven chapters.

These chapters addressed what to do about not liking several situations in my life. My takeaways: I do not have to like the circumstances, but rather I need to accept how I feel about the circumstances.

What If We Didn’t Fight Ourselves?
Homage to an Audi.  I loved this car, my dream car.  Such a beautiful car and an amazing driving experience.  And a few weeks ago her engine died.  To say I didn’t like this is a ridiculous understatement.  I’m still grieving.  And, I have accepted that I’m still grieving.  And yes, I know she was “just a car.”  A car that I loved.

This has been life-changing for me. I quit fighting myself and my feelings.

I wonder if every war there ever was, internal and external, was started to get away from feelings we didn’t like.

What a simple solution to accept that I feel sad or mad, lonely or hopeless, envious or not enough rather than wage an internal battle against these feelings or try to get away from them.

As I’ve accepted my feelings, I’ve felt this new tenderness for myself. It’s also been heartwarming to witness how quickly my feelings shift as I am willing to embrace them. And, I’ve noticed that I’m advocating for what I need and desire in a more clear and direct way.

I highly recommend accepting whatever you are feeling.

I’d love to hear your experiences . . . post them below in the comments section . . .

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming crisis into clarity and purpose”)

How Do You Restore Inner Peace? In Just a Few Minutes?

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You may not realize this, but chances are good you already know the answer for you!

Let me tell you my answer, and then let’s explore yours . . .

A few days ago, several challenges occurred on top of each other, minutes before I was to meet with my next client on the phone. Instead of attempting to resolve all of them in that time, I instinctively went outside and laid on the ground.

I am still astonished by how quickly Mother Earth restores my inner peace even though I have known this since I was a little kid. And, I love that my job requires me to be in a state of inner peace!

During those few minutes of laying on the ground, anger dissolved into love and open-heartedness around one situation. A second challenge became easily resolvable. I found kind wording for dissolving a third challenge. And, the exhaustion I had felt disappeared.

All that in less than 10 minutes and I was ready for my client a few minutes ahead of schedule.

That’s how I restore my inner peace.

At some point, this conversation comes up with almost all of my clients.

One realizes that walking her dog, even just around the block, almost always does the trick. Another puts on loud music and dances like crazy for 3 to 5 minutes. Yet another asks himself, “What is the Big Boy response here?” Years ago, one of my clients took her kids to the park. Now that they are growing and grown, she goes for a run in the park.

So, what about you?

For many of us, it’s a physical thing. For a few, it’s some kind of mental challenge. For others, engaging in or reading something that touches their heart or stirs their creativity. For some, it involves extending kindness or care to another.

I challenge each of us to make a written list of our top 3.

How Do You Restore Inner Peace? In Just a Few Minutes?
In addition to laying on the ground, I find sitting on the ground and stacking rocks brings me back to inner peace.

Mine:

  • Laying or sitting on the ground.
  • Shaking out every part of my body to an energizing song.
  • Singing along at the top of my lungs with one of my favorite songs, currently “You’re So Vain” by Carly Simon.

Yours?
Post them below in the comments section . . .

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming crisis into clarity and purpose”)

How Does Being Present in the Moment Vaporize Fear?

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“You’ve been walking in circles, searching. Don’t drink by the water’s edge. Throw yourself in. Become the water. Only then will your thirst end.”
– Jeanette Berson

When we throw ourselves in and become the water, we are completely present. And when we are completely present, we have no fear.

AnnStrongblogpost081116
What does it take to become the water?

Fear lives in the past through regret. Fear lives in the future through uncertainty. Fear lives in attempting to control others and outcomes.

My clients often question me about being present when they don’t like the present. It’s such a great question because we as humans spend a lot of time attempting to avoid what we don’t like.

A vivid experiential answer I have for that comes from when I used to have debilitating migraines. I spent a lot of time fighting them, doing anything I could to distract myself from the pain.

When I’d exhausted all those distractions and myself, I would finally surrender. What I found in those present moments after the surrender: this sweet, tender way of being there with me, for me.

Every time, it seemed so strange to me to be relishing being with myself while at the same time experiencing excruciating pain. I no longer feared the pain. I accepted it and I stayed with myself through it – cherishing myself as the beloved.

Ah, to be the water. So very similar to being the migraine. Isn’t that fascinating?!?

I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences . . .

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming crisis into clarity and purpose”)

How to Find Sanity in a Crazy Schedule

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For the past few weeks, my life and work have been far busier than usual. In many ways, it’s felt uncomfortable. And at the same time, I am awed as I notice how much more capacity I have than I believed I had.

Because I tend toward introversion and require space and quiet to recharge, I have often actively avoided filling my schedule. Right now, my schedule seems to have a mind of its own, almost as if my soul has taken the reins from my personality.

To a certain degree, I have surrendered to this new pace. And, I still require that space and quiet. So, I’m learning to experience it in a moment, rather than in an afternoon.

It looks something like this. What if before I rush out the door, I pause, take a few breaths, become present and check in to see what else I need to take or do before I leave? What if as I’m driving in to town, I notice the beauty of New Mexico all around me? What if when I feel like I just can’t do one more thing, I pause, take a few breaths, become present and then do the one more thing?!?

As I drive into town for my next appointment, when I am present to the spaciousness that surrounds me, I feel more spacious - even with a full schedule.
As I drive into town for my next appointment, when I am present to the spaciousness that surrounds me, I feel more spacious – even with a full schedule.

What could be possible with a pause? Anything I desire in a moment.

What could be possible for you with a pause? If you pause, take a few breaths and become present, anything you desire is possible for you, too. What if you pause, take a few breaths, become present and think about that for a moment? What do you desire in this moment?

When we allow ourselves to pause and become present to ourselves, we can create anything we desire. Becoming present in the present moment, gives us the only moment there ever is. Our pause connects us to the Eternal Now. No anxiety about the past. No fear about the future. No feeling crazy.

Only Now.

Which makes the state of my schedule irrelevant. Ah, my soul at work!

What Keeps Us from Loving Ourselves?

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What stands between us and self-appreciation, self-compassion, self-love? We behave as though our thinking is real.

What if we didn’t believe everything we hear in our head about ourselves? What if we didn’t believe our judgments of others (projections about ourselves)?

When we hear in our heads:

  • You shouldn’t have . . .
  • You should have . . .
  • There you go again . . .
  • You’re so _________ (you fill in the blank).
  • When are you going to change _________ (again, you fill in the blank)?

What if we didn’t engage with those repetitive, dead-end, self-loathing thoughts and instead used them as a mindfulness activity?

We could:

  • Take a few deep breaths and compassionately remind ourselves we are always doing the best we can.
  • Pause and notice the habitual nature of the thoughts and simply give them some space.
  • Byron Katie style, question the thoughts. “Is it true I should . . .?” “What is a turnaround for that thought?” “Who would I be without that thought?”
  • Take a few seconds to appreciate that we noticed the thoughts and didn’t engage.
  • Take ourselves lightly, smile and go on about our day.

What keeps us from loving ourselves? The human thoughts that tell us all the reasons we shouldn’t.

Orange Daisy Gerbera

Ah, to recognize our own beauty and divinity as easily as we recognize
the unique beauty and universal divinity of this daisy . . .

Why might we love ourselves anyway? To honor the spiritual truth about us: that we ARE love.

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for returning to the joy of you”)

How to Be at Ease with Yourself and Do Great Work

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“All you really need to do is accept this moment fully. You are then at ease in the here and now and at ease with yourself.”
– Eckhart Tolle
Practicing the Power of Now

For many years I sought coaching for myself and coached my clients around being less self-conscious. This felt important because we don’t serve our clients well when we feel concerned about saying or doing the right thing. We don’t do our best work when we are thinking about what others are doing and if we measure up.

I became practiced at willfully putting my attention on my clients, on my work, instead of on myself. So did many of my clients. That shift did help us do better work. And, it was missing something.

Willing something into place doesn’t allow much ease.

So now, instead of willing things into place, I am softening to whatever the moment holds. If I notice my internal self-talk is self-conscious, I acknowledge it without trying to will it into being different.

Whenever I need help softening, I connect with this pure love kitty, Jasmine, who is never far from me!

Whenever I need help softening, I connect with this pure
love kitty, Jasmine, who is never far from me!

It is miraculous what 30 or 60 seconds of softly and lovingly accepting what is naturally shifts me into being at ease with myself. I then am able to be fully present to whatever is and to do amazing work in the moment.

The Source of Our Experience

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Recently I had to sort out something between my doctor, insurance company and pharmacy. Not fun. I realized that the root of my frustration and anxiety was about feeling powerless.

While waiting for replies from them, this piece, Returning to Center, came to me. It reminds me that regardless of how it looks, I am Source. When I remember I am Source, my energy shifts and the external world shifts, too.

Instead of continuing to try to strong-arm things into place (yes, I am good at that :), I decided to leave it alone until the next morning. By 9:30 am, they had worked it out themselves.

To returning to Center, again and again . . .

Returning to Center

Returning to Center

Off balance.
Out of sorts.
Beside myself.
Ah, to be human.

Remembering.
Center.
Returning to Center.
Ah, to be Divine.

Disconnected.
Defending.
Feeling separate.
Out of control.

Connected.
Clear.
Open.
Returning to Center.

Messy misery.
Miraculous Center.
Ah, to be Divinely human.

Returning to Center.
Again and again.
Again and again.

No judgment.
Returning to Center.

All.
One.
Center.

Returning to Center.

(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for returning to the joy of you”)

What do you notice for you?