“It’s not going to work.”
“I’m not good enough.”
Ah, the dream-killer voice
of my human self.
That’s my cue to turn it over to the Divine.
Dearest High Glory of All, I give you this doubt and fear.
I don’t need to
try to muscle out of it.
I simply give you
my perceived limitations
Perhaps this situation calls for my inner bobcat?
and then go about my business,
living my Full Glory of You.
As always, please post your thoughts and comments below . . .
Today, I have the honor of sharing with you a private email conversation between me and one of my courageous clients, Hailey, (with her express permission, of course), exploring a bit about self-love.
“Ann, I’m sitting in my room with the window open listening to Nina Simone covers, feeling everything so deeply…
I’ve been wanting to touch more on the topic of self-love with you {my favorite 🙂 }.
If you feel comfortable sharing, may I ask what your road to self-love was like? I understand it’s an ongoing practice that we all must work to maintain. And, was there a moment in particular when you allowed yourself to step more into self-love and move away from harsh self-criticism/self-hatred?
Because, I often wonder if my self-consciousness and lack of self-acceptance will ever go away. I guess it really comes down to feeling peace in/with oneself.
When did you get to the point where you felt peaceful in who/what you are? I know each of us is on our own journey but I feel like it would be wonderful to hear your experience with this topic.”
“Hi Hailey,
I’m happy to answer you and I don’t think there was one big ah-ha moment. Three thing I do know:
1. Coaching, talking deeply, to my niece Alisha for the past 16 years, since she was 11 (and I was 40) has really soften me toward myself. Sort of like I became aware of how much I wanted to support her in loving self-talk, so I had to do it for me, too.
2. When I was 34, my boyfriend died of a drug overdose before we could find help. I had to get really clear on why I chose to keep living. At that time, I realized it was about love. He was the most purely loving person I’ve ever known and I committed to honoring him by being more loving myself. And that started with me – loving me more unconditionally.
In a way, at that time, it was sort of easy because with so much grief, my defenses were down.
3. I really took to heart that thing about putting my own oxygen mask first (on the plane) before I try to help anyone else. If I wasn’t going to love and take care of myself, who would?
What might you hear in all of this for you?
Love, Ann”
“Oh Ann, THANK YOU. This is beautiful. I’m grateful for you sharing all of this with me. Truly, it means a lot to me.
I am hearing SO many things in all of this; I mostly asked the question because I sometimes wonder if it’s even totally POSSIBLE to love oneself and thus be in flow. I’m hearing that life can be full of suffering in one moment and full of beauty and magic in another moment. I’m hearing proof of the human condition!
I also hear that pain softens you. I totally understand this. It’s almost as if pain breaks you open in a way that allows for the possibility of more love to flow in. At least that can be the case sometimes.
I’m hearing that perhaps there is no correct path to the “enlightenment” I’m looking for, aka total self-acceptance. I’m hearing that it’s mostly about choice – do I choose to accept myself in THIS MOMENT or do I not? It’s simply a yes or no question.
I’m remembering a conversation we had where you mentioned that sometimes you don’t even need your coach to answer questions because you’re able to answer them yourself just by asking the question in the coaching space.
I feel that way in this situation. I know what to do and I suppose I was just looking for an affirmation in another person’s experience other than mine. Because, like I said, sometimes I feel so much resistance to myself and the way things are that I doubt life will ever be truly peaceful. I understand now that life’s one moment at a time.
Thank you for reflecting on this with me Ann.”
So, what about you? What do you hear in this for you?
Two of my clients didn’t reach goals around their health this year. Another didn’t reach his financial goals. I had high hopes for getting my two-year-old cat, Miles, healthy by the end of the year. We aren’t there yet. This may sound strange coming from a coach who makes her living helping clients reach their goals.
So, here’s the thing: When we don’t reach the goals our human ego sets, we have the opportunity to create a deeper, more intimate relationship with ourselves. We become a new person on the way to achieving the human goals. And, we get further in those human areas than if we hadn’t set the goals.
The two clients who have goals around their health are becoming far more self-compassionate, self-loving and their own best friends.
The client with financial goals is learning to give himself credit for being in the process. He’s also learning about his inner security as he works on his outer security.
As for me and Miles, I’ve gotten to experience his unconditional affection, no matter how he feels. I’m learning patience and accepting what is. I’m learning that me being nervous and frustrated affects both of us poorly.
For all of us, we have the opportunity to set new goals, perhaps with a bit more wisdom about ourselves.
So what about you? Are there goals you didn’t reach this year? If so, how might you find the huge value for you?
As always, I’d love your thoughts and comments below.
Happy Solstice!
This is a question I asked myself after I’d sent an email to a new client with a typo in her email address. Needless to say, she didn’t receive it. And, I didn’t realize that for several days.
Here’s the answer that came to me when I asked myself, “What does my best self look like when I make a mistake?”
She apologizes. And, quickly and fully admits she messed up. She fixes whatever she can. She asks the other person what they need for it to be cleaned up. If it fits for her, she does whatever the person requested or offers what does fit for her.
She loves herself throughout. She doesn’t criticize, demean or shame herself. She good-heartedly acknowledges her humanness.
Ah, to be as shimmery as this begonia flower, even as I am correcting a mistake.
She lets it go. With lightness and humility, she moves on . . .
What does your best self say? I’d love your thoughts and comments below.
(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming stress and overwhelm into clarity and purpose”)
“In one of my favorite studies described in The Storytelling Animal, a team of psychologists asked shoppers to choose a pair of socks among seven pairs and then to give their reasons for choosing that particular pair. Every shopper explained their choice based on subtle differences in color, texture, and stitching. No shopper said, ‘I don’t know why this is my choice,’ or ‘I have no idea why I picked that one.’ All of them had a story that explained their decision. But here’s the kicker: All of the socks were identical. Gottschall explains that all of the shoppers told stories that made their decisions seem rational. But they really weren’t. He writes, ‘The stories were confabulations – lies, honestly told.'”
Brené Brown
From the book, Rising Strong
Brown goes on to say, “The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness.” When something in our lives feels painful to us, instead of feeling the hurt, we tend to jump to meaning-making.
Instead of feeling the pain of losing a client or learning our partner had an affair, we tend to explain these events with one of our core wounds. “See, there it is again. People always end up abandoning me.” Or, “Of course they left, of course they cheated. I’m not good enough.”
Our brains find comfort in patterns and our core wounds are familiar patterns. This is the booby prize.
If we are instead willing to feel our feelings, then we have the opportunity to be present with ourselves. We create a powerful pause that helps us to not automatically choose fear-based, self-protecting stories that end up keeping us scared and shut down.
By being willing to feel our feelings, we give ourselves the opportunity to then choose to look at the story we are creating. This begins the process of ending the pattern of innocently dooming ourselves to repeat the story of our core wounds over and over again.
Instead, we can get curious about “the story I’m making up is . . .” We can explore our emotions, bodies, thoughts, beliefs and actions. As we are willing to examine our stories and reactions, we come to see that there may not be a conspiracy after all.
We become less self-protective and more generous in looking at our assumptions. In the end, we become more wholehearted.
If you haven’t read Rising Strong, I highly recommend it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences . . . post them below in the comments section . . .
(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for transforming stress and overwhelm into clarity and purpose”)
Confident Vulnerability changed my life. I learned this empowering way of being in my advanced StrengthsFinder® training a couple of years ago. Thank you DeAnna Murphy of Strengths Strategy!
Confident Vulnerability looks like this.
I know what I am. I know what I’m not. I’m comfortable, confident and non-judgmental with and embrace both. I am confident in my strengths and vulnerable about the needs of my strengths and my weaknesses. This also allows me to embrace what you are and what you are not without judgment.
Full disclosure: I am still working on doing all of this more consistently.
And, as I embraced confident vulnerability as a way of life, I quit trying to hide or apologize for my weaknesses. That then freed a bunch of energy to be more fully who I am without messing around in the areas of who I’m not.
And one day recently, it occurred to me that I do not need permission to be who I am, to do what I do, to live how I live, to explore what I feel drawn to explore.
And, neither do you.
How would the world shift if we all lived in confident vulnerability, full out, unapologetically?
What if we weren’t afraid of what people will think?
I do love doing my part.
Last week I was in San Diego attending the Ascend conference. Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m not exactly the athletic type. Well, after hanging with my 12-year-old nephew Justin and 15-year-old niece Hailey, in the few minutes each evening in San Diego before it got dark, I engaged in my new sport.
Yes, I have a new sport.
Four Square. Yes, the one little kids play. It’s never too late to start. I love this game. Who wants to come to the Land of Enchantment and join me?
No permission needed. Permission slips unnecessary as well!
(Excerpted from my forthcoming book, “Strong from Within: Simple perceptions and practices for returning to the joy of you”)