I was born the oldest of five kids to a mother who didn’t really want kids. Yet she didn’t feel she had a choice.
Growing up, I wanted to be wanted. I had several girlfriends whose mothers were engaged with and interested in their daughters and sometimes me by extension. That felt great. I babysat for several families and a couple of the moms got to know me. That felt good.
When I started high school, boys started to notice me, and I felt like I had hit the jackpot. I knew it! Being wanted was the best feeling in the world!
I didn’t realize it back then, but in that innocent and natural desire, I was creating a prison. Being wanted became my drug. I was high when I felt wanted and desperately looking for the next fix when I didn’t feel wanted. Chasing the feeling that came with being wanted held me hostage for decades.
Maybe you’ve had a similar experience? Or have you been chasing degrees? Being needed? Fitting in? More money? A certain number on the scale? You fill in the blank. What have you been chasing that has held you hostage?
I finally hit bottom, as they say in AA. Willing to never have another man want me.
I’ve been learning that sitting with the pain and discomfort of not feeling wanted AND not doing anything to get my fix is my road to freedom.
I discovered a few months ago while doing some deep work with my coach that my WHY, my purpose, involves inspiring and urging each of us to freedom from innocently self-imposed prisons. I wish I had known this me 30 years ago. And, I feel grateful to know her today!
I am starting to get it – experiencing the inner freedom that comes from being with things as they are rather than how I think they must be, how I think I need them to be . . . ahhhhh.
I also realize that the experiences of the young-girl and young-woman me are as much a part of my path and my purpose as the healing of those experiences.
I am now discovering that beyond the pain of wanting to feel wanted is a delicious, sweet freedom. I’m beginning to have glimpses of wanting the freedom more that the temporary high of feeling wanted.
And, lest I start chasing freedom, during the times I don’t feel free, I simply allow myself to be present with me there, too.
I dedicate my 2014 to Freedom.
What about you? To what do you dedicate your 2014?
Happy New Year! Happy New You!
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Would you be interested in joining a small group of women in an intimate teleconference setting (or in person if you’re in the Denver metro area) to explore freedom from whatever has been holding you hostage?
I’m considering starting one or both of these groups if there is enough interest. Reply to this email and tell me a bit about your story, your journey, or feel free to call me. My direct office line: 303.399.8737.
Feel free to post your comments, insights and experiences below.
If this fits someone you love who has been holding themselves hostage and might be ready for sweet freedom, please share!